


"Hate Myself"

by alexx_alteridem



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew listening to music, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Soft Andrew Minyard, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Song fic, Song references, The Foxes are mentioned, it's not angst but it's not all fluff??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27248806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexx_alteridem/pseuds/alexx_alteridem
Summary: "Andrew liked a few things in his life. One of them is ice cream, and the other, music."Andrew listens to music and starts thinking about his life and his relationship with Neil.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	"Hate Myself"

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,  
> So, it's my first work, and English it's not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.  
> I hope you like it! Take a look at the tags and enjoy it.

Andrew liked a few things in his life. One of them is ice cream, and the other, music.

He couldn’t explain why, he just liked to listen to them ‘cause it would make him _feel_ something, it wasn’t happiness or love, or any other shit like that, it was like he could express all his thoughts through the music, no matter how bad they were.

Most times he would just listen to rap, letting all those words get into him, calming him, making him feel. No one knew about that, and it wasn’t like it mattered, he had never thought of sharing his likes with someone until Neil got in his life.

It was just supposed to be an ordinary day, where Neil would wake early and go running while Andrew would stay sleeping until noon, but he couldn’t sleep anymore, Neil had left twenty minutes ago and he couldn’t stop thinking, so he did the only thing, other than Neil, (not that he was going to assume that), that could calm him, and it was music.

He turned on his playlist waiting for the first song in the line and wasn’t surprised by the one that came. He liked this rhythm, he liked listening to the lyrics and just getting involved with something that wasn’t his shitty life.

_"I don't see you like I should._

_You look so misunderstood_

_And I wish I could help_

_But it's hard when I hate myself"_

Of course it would begin with something like this, it wasn’t a secret that Andrew hated most things, but more than anything he hates himself, he hates the way he finds himself looking at Neil, the way he sees him, he hates that he’s not enough for Neil, he hates how Neil insists on being with him accepting his broken pieces, and he hates himself even more for not hating that.

_"Yeah, late nights are the worst for me_

_They bring out the worst in me_

_Mind runnin', got me feelin' like it hurts to think"_

He doesn’t like to sleep, he doesn’t like having no control of himself, lost in a sea of illusions without realizing it’s all just another lie, just repassing all the bad times over and over until he wakes up disoriented and alone just waiting for the time when his thoughts will finally crush him.

_"And every morning I wake up and feel like I am not worth it"_

Andrew doesn’t care about his mother, ‘cause there’s no use in wasting time with something like that, but sometimes, he forgets to block himself into thinking that if even the woman who gave him the birth didn’t want him, then who would want it? All those years going through different houses where he would leave more broken each time, where he would meet hope just to have it pulled away from him, just to have another person to use, to play, to break him. 

_"Lately I been feelin' like the only way for me to get away is if I pour the drink_

_That's more deceit, more defeat"_

Drinks, drugs, cigarettes, addicting late-night kisses, all those things that came across his life, all those things that distracted and helped and destroyed him, he hated his meds, he hated to lose control, he hated smiling and laughing all the time because he was too high to not do it. But he liked smoking, he enjoyed the burning in his lungs, he enjoyed feeling lightheaded, but none drug or drink or cigarette makes him feel like Neil makes, and it terrifies Andrew. 

And now, even after getting out of his meds and being sober he still finds himself addicted to something, to _someone_.

_"Need help, but you can't help me_

_What else can the world sell me?"_

He doesn’t like when people help him, he hates depending on someone, he hates needing something, anything, he knows he is broken, shattered, and that it doesn't matter how many drugs, or kisses, or therapy sessions he will take, there are always some parts of him that will never be fixed. He doesn't like being helped but he knows that sometimes he needs it, he needs Bee, he needs help with his depression, and even hating it, he needs Neil.

He won’t buy any more drugs or stitches for his cuts, sometimes it's like there’s nothing in the world that could offer him an opportunity to stay, but then there’s Neil, and there’s Bee, and his cousin and brother, and then there’s even Kevin, and coach and even the _fucking_ foxes, so the world might have nothing to offer to him, but he still has his reasons to stay. 

_"Tell me lies, I still buy 'em like they're goin' outta stock"_

_Lies_. Andrew couldn’t stand them, he spent all his life surrounded by lies and liars, from thin white lies to mafia, butchers ones, he didn’t need any more lies into his life, but the biggest liar still got his way through Andrew.

_"Yeah, late nights get the best of me_

_They know how to get to me_

_Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me_

_But I don't wanna die, I just wanna get relief"_

He used to cut, almost every night, one, two, three, four, five lines, how many it would take to bring him some relief.

He never really wanted to die, he couldn’t find himself caring enough to want something, but that doesn’t mean that the so-called attempts wouldn’t happen, in juvie, all he ever wanted was something, anything, until all he wanted became nothing.

He wouldn’t think about dying nowadays, but sometimes he would stay there, frozen, thinking of how it would be, how it would be to just stop wanting, to stop thinking, to stop _feeling_.

_"Wish I could give you what you needed, but I can't_

_I'm scared because_

_I don't see you like I should"_

What a great joke the world is, after spending all his life afraid of what happened with Andrew would happen with the ones next to him, afraid of not being able to protect his family, afraid of not being enough, afraid of losing himself, afraid of losing Neil, now, the thing that he is terrified of, is _this_ , this _nothing_ , between him and Neil.

He wasn’t supposed to see Neil the way he sees, he shouldn’t trust a liar more than anyone, he shouldn’t feel, something between then, but after days of thinking and analyzing his life he came to the conclusion that perhaps he like it, but it wasn’t like he was going to assume that to anyone other than him, and who knows one day he could confess more than _“I hate yous”_ for Neil.

_"Get lost in the questions I can't answer_

_Can't stand who I am, but it don't matter"_

Useless questions always surrounded Andrew’s life and he would always ignore them, for not wanting to waste his time if that, but sometimes, on some rare occasions, he would find himself not being able to answer the question because he simply didn’t know the answer.

What is his relationship with Neil? He doesn’t know. He would normally answer nothing because it is nothing. (at the same time that it’s everything)

Does he like Exy? He doesn’t know, he didn’t like it at least, but then Neil made it interesting for him, and before that Kevin convinced him that it was something.

Is he okay? Irrelevant, he wouldn’t lie saying he was fine like Neil, but it wasn’t like he was bad or hurt or depressed, he never really thought about himself, he always thought it was a waste of time, something unnecessary, so now he couldn’t even answer one of the simplest questions.

_"Keeps speaking to me, but I can't have it_

_But I can't have it_

_Keeps speaking to me, but I can't have it_

_But I can't have it_

_Keeps speaking to me, but I can't have it"_

Andrew enjoys the silence, he enjoys the quiet, he gets tired of all that noise and fuss, he gets annoyed when Aaron chatters with himself, normally studying, he gets annoyed by Nicky’s loud talking and screaming, tired of all the advice that his cousin had tried to give it to him, but even with all that disturbing his peace he still finds himself missing the quick and unnecessary talks in quiet days.

_"When I hate myself_

_It's kinda hard when I hate myself_

_I hate myself_

_It's hard when I hate myself"_

It’s been years since he accepted that he hates himself, such that it doesn’t bother him anymore, however, nowadays, he sometimes finds himself comfortable with who he is, and even though he knows he won’t stop hating himself completely, he still likes the feeling of being fine with himself, without having to spend all nights fighting against his mind wondering if he should cut or not, wondering if it would be easier to not hate himself if he was simply gone.

The song ended and he didn’t realize how immersed he was until realizing that someone was snapping his fingers for him, but that’s not anyone, it’s Neil, his Neil, the fucking rabbit who chose to stay with him.

Neil is watching him closely with a frow on his face and a tiny smile, it’s kind of impressive how often he smiles while with Andrew, and Andrew doesn't understand why.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Andrew rolls his eyes, of course this junkie would care for him. “Are you listening to music? Can I?” He asks, pointing to the AirPods in Andrew’s ear, Andrew just thinks for a second and nods. 

Neil’s face lights up so fast it physically hurts Andrew, he is amused by how these little things make Neil so happy, and even more for Neil noting his likes and costumes, but it wasn’t like he was hiding it. 

Andrew put the same music he was hearing before and just watched as Neil’s face changed through the song, going from excited to concerned, and finally amused, staring at Andrew as the chorus played again. Neil’s eyes stared at him with such intensity that it makes Andrew hate himself for liking it at the same time he feels something warm in his chest, certainly hate.

He pauses the music and just keeps looking at Neil, trying to read him, trying to understand why he chose to stay, why he trusts Andrew, why he accepted Andrew’s protection, and late-night kisses.

He asks himself when everything happened, when he started trusting and caring, but he can’t get to a specific moment, because there wasn’t a perfect and soft moment when he realized that, everything happened slowly, going through lies and pain and even more lies, until it became trust, kisses, and home.

Andrew grabs Neil’s nape and presses their foreheads together, these little touches becoming normal to then not needing any question if not on a bad day. He closes his eyes slowly trying to avoid those deep blue eyes, waiting for it to be a hallucination just waiting until the day he wakes up alone, but when he opens his eyes Neil’s still there, smiling softly at him like he knows everything that’s going through Andrew’s mind.

Andrew looks intensely at Neil and decides that he has to say something, anything, just to ease his thoughts, just to share something with Neil, and before he can stop himself he starts singing. And the way Neil's face breaks up in a tiny smile and shining eyes makes him feel something, and it's more than hate, more than happiness, he just _feels_.

_“I don't see you like I should”_

This wasn’t supposed to exist, he wasn’t supposed to feel things, to desire things, but if it’s with Neil he might like it. 

_“You look so misunderstood”_

_“And I wish I could help”_

_“But it's hard when I hate myself”_

He hates himself for not being enough for Neil, for not being able to protect him from his father’s men. Neil was a runaway, a rabbit, a pile of secrets and lies, Andrew was the last person he should trust, but still, Neil trusted him, Neil accepted him, Neil understood and helped him like no one else, and he wished he could help him, so he made a deal with him, he gave Neil his protection, he gave Neil a reason to stay, and together they gave each other a home.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks, wanting to put all his thoughts and feelings out of him, wanting to make Neil feel how he’s not the only one who is _home_. 

“Yes”

And then Andrew kisses him.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is "Hate Myself" by NF, he's one of my favorite singers and I love this song so much that I decided to try writing something instead of sleeping.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry for any mistakes and I hope you guys like it, thanks for reading!


End file.
